How to Help Your Child Develop Healthy Interpersonal Relationships

What do you do if your five-year-old suddenly announces that he has a crush on one of his classmates? What do you do when your teenager comes home and asks questions about exploring potential partners? 

Remember that day back in middle school when you finally mustered up the courage to tell the person you were crushing on that you had feelings, and they responded with, “I just want to be friends.” You dashed home, threw yourself onto your bed, and blared “Waiting to Exhale” by Whitney Houston on your cassette player for 2 days straight. Or was that just me? Luckily, those feelings are no longer that intense, but some of us have kids who are in the thick of early love. 

As we all come back from memory lane, being able to tap into our early romantic experiences can help us empathize and relate to our kids. 

Over the last year or so, we have received a lot of questions from parents about how to navigate pre-adolescent or adolescent relationship development. If you have had similar questions, you are not alone.

While these things can be tricky to navigate as parents, we can all remember the experience of young love and being absolutely twitter-pated with feelings. We also want to make sure our kids have the skills necessary for healthy interpersonal relationships now and in the future.

Having a Crush vs. a Significant Other

Will you be my valentine?? First crushes can happen at any time - it's not uncommon for preschoolers to be particularly fond of a friend or schoolmate.

However, parents may notice that crushes become more common around 10 to 13 years old. These early crushes are important when it comes to developing healthy, normal relationships and giving kids opportunities to learn how to communicate.

Early crushes help kids explore liking other people and the vulnerabilities of putting themselves out there. It helps them manage reciprocated feelings and heartbreak. . . because we all have it! (Remember my “Waiting to Exhale” story?) They get to practice the entering and exiting of relationships. When they begin to explore being in an actual partnership with a significant other, they learn more about communication skills, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, and how to develop a healthy, romantic self (when we talk to kids, we call this: 2 healthy “I”s and a “We”).  Curious to learn more? Let us know if we should make this a future blog post!

Helping Your Child Reflect on their Romantic Feelings 

Romantic partnerships can be a little messy. It can be hard to navigate. This is true for every stage of life. The joys and the challenges change, but they always exist. We want to help our “young lovers” reflect on what feels good and what does not feel good, and, ultimately, be in relationships where both people feel seen, heard, and cared for. When we help our kids reflect, they can start to figure those pieces out. Without it, they sometimes will accept things that don’t feel good. So let’s help them reflect without judgment, so they can figure out what feels good to them.  

Think about how you can enter the conversation in a way that shows you want to honor how much this person(s) means to your child. 

Here are some suggestions. . . 

“I am glad you found someone you can connect with. Tell me more about them.”

“Gosh, it is exciting to have romantic feelings for someone. It feels good to feel wanted and connected. What helps you feel so connected to them? 

“How do you feel when you are around this person?”

“Healthy relationships have things you like about the person and things you don’t like about them. If you like everything about a person, you have idolized them. 

“Hey, I notice you have been talking a lot about x (person), how is this person treating you?

“Do they respect you?”

“Do they bring out the best in you?”  

“How does this person make you feel seen, safe, and brave?” 

“People have this idea that healthy relationships that you like everything about a person. In reality, a healthy relationship includes things you don’t like about that person!”

“Judgement-free zone, what don’t you like about your partner? Yup! You are human! So are they!”

“Did they do something that annoyed you, or did they do something that hurt you?” 

Maybe it feels really hard to have a direct conversation. If so, start a conversation about relationships after watching a movie, or maybe your child has a friend they want to discuss. Chances are, if they are talking about their friend, they might be asking for themselves as well. 

Some questions to ask:

“What did you think about ___ situation in the movie?”

“Huh, What do you think about that?”

Want some more thoughts on first loves? Check out Lisa Damour’s podcast episode 94, “I’m Not Ready for My Kid to Be in Love. Help! - Lisa Damour, PhD  (Can you tell we really like her? She is awesome!)

Ways to manage conversations about who they love

These conversations can be ones that feel awkward for both them and us. As psychologist Lisa Damour says, “no one wants to hear about their parents' romantic relationships, and in doing so, you will get an eye roll,” but they do have questions. As I often say to parents, if kids are still in the room, they are still listening.  

Most children between 18 and 24 months can already recognize and label gender groups. By five or six years old, most children can identify their own gender and their preferences, though this may not always reflect their gender identity. 

Gender expression doesn't always indicate gender identity. Check out this podcast from Lisa Damour on navigating conversations with your child who might be exploring their sexuality or gender identity.

So what do you say when your kid comes home with questions about their sexuality or gender identity? Regardless of where they are in their identity exploration, here is a formula for how to respond: 

1) Validate; when anyone is sharing something potentially vulnerable (identity or otherwise)...they are wondering....will you still love me if you know this?  

So first, make sure your child hears that they are loved by you.

2) Put the ball in their court....do they want to talk more about it? 

3) Spend some time with them...after they've told you something vulnerable...they often are wondering...has this changed our relationship? 

Show them that it hasn’t.

Final Thoughts

The more understanding and supportive environment that you create for them will help them to feel both safe and brave to explore their romantic lives.  

As a parent, offering guidance and reassurance that no matter what, you will love and accept them unconditionally is a great way to show support. It is okay if you don’t get the words quite right. Sometimes what makes the conversations so hard is that we try to make our language perfect. We are not perfect parents, and our kids aren’t perfect either. We can fix our words and apologize. The feeling of being loved and supported will last longer than the specific words. 

Teaching your teen about interpersonal relationships and romantic love doesn’t have to be a drag. As Lisa Damour says, “kids are in the driver’s seat, and you are along for the ride. You cannot tell kids who their partner is going to be. Your goal? To maintain a supportive, working relationship from the passenger’s seat as your child figures out where the car is headed.” (Lisa Damour Podcast Ep. 104)