Navigating gender fluidity and youth relationships
REACH Learning Services Director, Dr. Beidleman, and REACH Learning Services Educational Clinician, Suzanne Smith, discuss navigating gender identification and child and youth relationships.
How can parents begin to navigate and understand gender identification, relationships and the new pronouns?
Dr. Beidleman: Recently, we’ve received several calls from parents seeking guidance about children who have asked that they be referred to by different pronouns (i.e. they/them vs. she/her or he/him). These parents want to understand what their child’s request means and what they should do.
I think it’s important that we first distinguish between sex, gender and gender identification so we have shared vocabulary. Sex is biologically based and determined by chromosomes. When we say male or female, we are really talking about sex and chromosomal differences. Gender includes a broad range of characteristics pertaining to femininity and masculinity and is influenced by cultural and social norms. Because these norms can change, gender is considered more fluid. For example, it used to be that skirts were only for “girls” and only “boys” played with cars, but those societal norms have changed. The fluidity of gender sometimes creates challenges as our brains have a natural bias to categorize things in concrete terms.
Right now, we are seeing a greater push by youth to understand that both gender and the expression of gender are fluid. We are also seeing more of a gender exploration process for kids right now, which is prompting parents to ask what they can do to support their child during this process.
This, of course, comes from the most loving place possible. Many parents don't want to put a ton of emphasis on this and make it something that it may or may not be. I counsel these parents to understand that the kids are looking for acceptance and that following their child’s lead helps to provide that acceptance.
For example, if your child wants to be called by the pronouns “they” and “them”, then use those pronouns when you address them. It may be part of a natural exploration process. Let them lead and ask your child to give you feedback. Sometimes I give parents language like, tell them that you love them and support them but that your “old-school brain” may sometimes cause you to say the wrong thing.
Lastly, remember that your child is still your child. Make sure you continue to do things you enjoy together. Often, kids are just looking for acceptance. They want to know they can be themselves, explore who they are, and that you will still love them.
Interested in a teen’s take on gender? Check out this post: https://raisingmyrainbow.com/2020/02/20/gender-is-over/
Suzanne: When a child explores their gender or sexuality, parents are being asked to understand ambiguity and fluidity in a way that they have not been asked to in previous times. I think it's important to acknowledge that, for parents in today’s culture, this can be uncomfortable. The coming-out process sometimes occurs suddenly for parents, especially when a child begins the discussion about gender identity while the parent is engaged in another activity such as driving or cooking, as so often is the case. Parents can feel challenged to say the right thing at that moment, but it's okay if you don’t have all the answers on the spot. The most important thing to do is to recognize your child's bravery for initiating the conversation and explicitly communicate your support. You can then commit to continuing to have an open dialogue after you’ve had time to process your thoughts and feelings.
Something else that can be helpful for parents is to engage in self-examination of one's beliefs. If we know what our triggers are, what we are comfortable with, and what comprises our beliefs system, we can be more clear and supportive of our children.
I also believe it’s important for parents to seek out support for themselves so that the child is not put in the role of an expert on gender fluidity or sexuality. If you know of other parents who have been through something similar, you can contact them ─ or reach out to a community organization ─ to address your questions and gain guidance. This helps alleviate some of the strain in the parent-child relationship. It is also a good idea for parents to connect their child with community resources to address their own questions. Organizations like The Center on Colfax in Denver have been supporting families going through this experience for many years. While you may initially feel like you are the only one who has had this experience, many other parents have been down a similar path and are happy to share their experiences to make your journey a little easier.
How does gender identification impact relationships?
Dr. Beidleman: It’s important for parents to make sure that our kids feel safe and can talk to someone they trust because they end up being very vulnerable. And, if your child is going through a phase where they don’t want to talk to you as their parent about their feelings or relationship, then identify someone else who is a little bit older who they can talk to about their relationship. This can be a family member, trusted friend or counselor.
Regardless of gender, I talk a lot to kids about consent and ensuring that consent is at the forefront for both parties in a relationship and that it is reassessed and re-communicated often. I also believe it's important for kids to understand that relationships provide learning experiences. If they have a relationship that they later view negatively, it's helpful to reflect and use that experience to determine boundaries and what they value in a relationship. Kids who are exploring gender are vulnerable, so it's important to make sure that they have people they can talk to and resources that they can access when needed.
At this point in the conversation, both Suzanne and Dr. Beidleman mentioned a valuable national resource called The Trevor Project. You can visit The Trevor Project website here.
Suzanne: As we said, your child is still your child. During the difficult times of adolescence, it is important to spend time doing fun things with your child. Set aside time when you aren't trying to figure anything out or meet any goals, and play a board game or do something together that you both enjoy. While parents intuitively carve out time to be with our children when they are younger, our future orientation kicks in when they become teens. That’s when we focus on helping them build a meaningful and rewarding future for themselves. But, it’s also important during adolescence to pause and spend time in the present moment appreciating our children and spending simple time with them. This helps to strengthen our relationship and reinforces that they are loved and accepted.
What should parents be looking for as they begin to tackle gender identification?
Suzanne: Meeting the child with unconditional love at the beginning of the process is the most important thing. Parents should examine their own beliefs and fears to identify triggers and practice self-regulation. Adolescents with whom I have worked sometimes mention that their parents seem afraid of their gender fluidity or their questioning. That fear can lead parents to ask questions of their child in a way that conveys a lack of acceptance. Questions such as, “How can I be supportive now?” or “What would you like from me in this moment?" are open-ended and show acceptance.
Dr. Beidleman: Know that it is okay if you are struggling and unpacking things for yourself as a parent. This is new territory for many parents and it’s understandable that there will be some things you need to work through. It’s perfectly fine to explain this to your child while emphasizing your love. Acceptance, love and honesty are what is most important.
Lean into the areas of love that come more naturally for you, so it is clear to your child that you love them no matter what. This also allows you a little bit of a break from being anxious or worried about how you are showing up as a parent. When a parent is struggling and anxious about doing the “right thing” (whatever that is), that stress can be overwhelming and stifle the little things that come naturally. Embracing the things that you love about your child and the shared experiences you both enjoy provides you with space as you explore things that may feel more challenging like parts of gender fluidity.